Closer to Freedom
Yesterday, I realized I was still trying to please my family. Big whoop, you might say, but this was big for me—and I have a feeling might touch home for a few of you, too. Let me explain.
My family is a boisterous, brilliant, crazy, loud, and wonderfully rambunctious bunch. All of them. On both sides (family dinner parties are big). When Andrew and I first started dating, I saw no problem with bulldozing a conversation we were having by talking over him and interrupting. Not because I was being rude, but because that’s how I learned to show my enthusiasm and engagement in the conversation. And get my two cents in (which, at the time, was way more important than listening which also wasn’t too high on my list of ways to show love).
Needless to say, I come from a competitive bunch who’s value on talking trumped listening and seeing each other for who they are and respecting that. As an INFJ, this forced me to learn about boundaries in a big way later on in life.
I don’t necessarily think to myself, “gee, what would make them proud of me.” But yesterday, I realized that when I have a fleeting thought of synthesizing my strengths in the world of coaching, motivating, or inspiring, I immediately brush it off. I hear “that would never work, there is no career in that, you don’t have the right credentials, you already have a career path,” and my personal favorite, “get real.” Some of those words I have actually heard. And the rest are from me, inside my own head, spinning further off my family’s projections.
But here’s the thing: yesterday, I named that. I put my finger right on the sore spot my subconscious has been dancing around since I discontinued Joyful Life Wellness. I named my exact fear: not just failure, but failure in the eyes of my family tribe. Whaaa?
Immediately, my ego went into overdrive: “I thought I was over that! I moved across the country by myself, dammit, threw all my stuff on a train, went out there with no place to live, went to art school, figured out who I was, did a bunch of amazing creative projects, lived in my fullest self! I’ve been so over trying to please my family!”
It drips with I-told-you-so confidence and is tinged with hysteria…I have a feeling you know of that voice too.
Immediately after this ego-hissy-fit, I heard my intuition say to me: Honey, personal development and growth is not like having a check list where you go from one stage to the next, then you check a box. It’s a constant, life-long, beautiful process. You can do this.
It’s a funny thing when you realize the answer is right inside of you, and has been all along.
It’s also crazy beautiful when you realize you have so much to be grateful for when it does come to family. For me, they’ve been my greatest teachers.
For fun, find out (or have a refresher on) your personality type here.
What little epiphanies have you had recently?